The End of the World, A love story

Some of you may recall my May 2011 rant/ blog post where I gave readers an invaluable list of items for the impending doomsday that was to have occurred in December of 2011.

"End of the World & Nothing to Wear"

As it were things didn’t quite go apocalyptic and the human race remains a vibrant fixture on planet Earth.

So is life, while our love affair with the end of the world continues.

2012 brings us a whole new perspective on the "end times" as we approach the end of the Mayan calendar

I- phone Photo taken by Hector Siliezar at Chichen Itza in 2009

December 21, 2012 is when the Mesoamerican (read Mayan)”long calendar” supposedly runs out. 

Now I am not an astrophysicist, nor am I an ancient civilization historian, but I do offer a simple observation to 2012’s impending end.

The Mayans checked out a long time ago, don’t believe me?  Travel down to Chichen Itza and poke around the pyramids until you find one, chances are you’re going to be there a while (bumping into a “Mayan ancestor” selling temple snow globes at the gift shop doesn’t count)  

So in a sense the Mayan’s calendar "ran out" quite some time ago.

But I digress…

The apocalypse and end times sells in a big way, “Google” zombie apocalypse and you’ll get 24,100,000 results in (0.22 seconds).

There are even reputable ammunition companies selling zombie ammo, as well as gun manufacturers making “limited edition” zombie killer firearms.

Another prime example of our love for the end times is the wildly popular "Nat-Geo" show “Doomsday Preppers” that has taken “reality” TV to an entirely new and bizzaro level.

David is a Doomsday Prepper  

Imagine my completely blank expression as I listened to a student in a public safety organization explain that these shows offer viable “tips and ideas” in preparation for worst case scenarios.

That’s the logical equivalent to the idea that jumping off a cliff into a freezing river to get to the other side is a good survival tactic because "Bear Grylls said so"….

Ever survival minded, our pragmatic host hurls himself off yet another cliff...

If this next part upsets you, I apologize in advance, but those shows with the “doomsayers” are more of a study in mental illness than disaster preparedness.

Oddities sell, normalcy does not.

I know guys that have bought enough guns to arm a small militia in north Georgia, (fundamental firearms rule #207; you can only effectively shoot 1 firearm at a time).

Your's truly on zombie overwatch...

You want to go buy something, go buy a camp stove, or a good bottle of bourbon.   

Besides, do you really want to be around after a nuclear holocaust or major world ending solar flare? 

“Only the strong survive Steve”, got it, then make room for me in your bunker.

There are so many real world things to be paranoid about, and yet we insist on creating even more phantoms to become pre-occupied over.

Maybe it’s just another form of escapism.

Or maybe "they" are right after all.

History certainly repeats itself and depending on where you look the world has been predicted to end anywhere from 15 to 264 times (unconfirmed).  

And yet here we are in our finite impossibly flawed human glory riding out both fictional and real life storms.(Tornadoes scare the hell out of me, the poles flip flopping not so much) …

And while the world isn't ending (at least not today) this is where I will conclude this post,  besides, I have to get back to my “TiVo ‘ed” episode of Chasing Bigfoot.  

Stephen

End of the world and nothing to wear?

So May 21, 2011 has been predicted to be the end of the world as we know it or “TEOTWAWKI” in common survivalist vernacular.

Those "in the know" have said the end will “begin” with a monster earthquake that will rumble through at 6:00pm sharp.

I’m not sure if the quake is supposed to occur on Eastern Standard Time, Mountain Standard Time, or Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time, but I figured I would set all of my clocks at different times to ensure that I covered all of my disaster time zone bases. (As you can never be too prepared)

While I probably don’t fit the definition of the traditional survivalist, I do have a few “end times' nuggets of wisdom” for people who might not be as well versed or mentally prepared for such calamity.

I should first point out that my survival of the “Y2-K” end of the world scenario is my prerequisite resume to being considered an “expert” on this subject matter.

I also realize that people are looking for an all inclusive list of provisions and while it’s hard for someone of my knowledge base to cover every variable I made this easy to follow guide for what you will need MOST for the end of the world.

1) Contrary to conventional wisdom, dressing for the end times doesn’t need to be a stress filled endeavor.

I suggest something fun and flirty like this “Republic of Jamaica” island T-shirt made with 100% polyester. NOTE: Do not stand too close to lava flows, flame throwers, or open air fires with this piece as it’s all about end time fashion not function and it will shrink wrap the wearer at high temps.

I also prefer a nice pair of shorts over traditional Battle Dress Uniforms (BDUs) like these Patagonia “Thrift Store” shorts, which can be rocked from the golf course to the survival colony that gets established in upstate Vermont after the big shake.

As a side note; I suggest you throw in something camouflaged to complete your ensemble should you want to be taken seriously by other like minded survivalist.

2) You will need a gun…In fact you will need several guns, the more the better, if possible get 2 guns to shoot simultaneously which also builds “survival credo” with the rest of your group. It doesn’t matter if you hit anything; just make a lot of noise to scare off looters, zombies, Para- military wankers, and government troops.

3) Facebook is another must have during the end times as you will invariably build on your ever growing friends list (The amount of request will be predicated on the proximity to fault lines) "200 people like this".

4) A grill, because opossum road kill is always better cooked medium well.

5) Get your hands on as many Starbucks gift cards as possible as they will become the new form of global currency after the quake.

6) Last but certainly not least; pick up the newly released Blue Ray anthology of Star wars. (Chewbacca never gets old)

If it’s not on this list, then you don’t need it.

Cheers to the end of the world! and I will see you on Sunday…