Monday, May 16, 2011

End of the world and nothing to wear?

So May 21, 2011 has been predicted to be the end of the world as we know it or “TEOTWAWKI” in common survivalist vernacular.

Those "in the know" have said the end will “begin” with a monster earthquake that will rumble through at 6:00pm sharp.

I’m not sure if the quake is supposed to occur on Eastern Standard Time, Mountain Standard Time, or Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time, but I figured I would set all of my clocks at different times to ensure that I covered all of my disaster time zone bases. (As you can never be too prepared)

While I probably don’t fit the definition of the traditional survivalist, I do have a few “end times' nuggets of wisdom” for people who might not be as well versed or mentally prepared for such calamity.

I should first point out that my survival of the “Y2-K” end of the world scenario is my prerequisite resume to being considered an “expert” on this subject matter.

I also realize that people are looking for an all inclusive list of provisions and while it’s hard for someone of my knowledge base to cover every variable I made this easy to follow guide for what you will need MOST for the end of the world.

1) Contrary to conventional wisdom, dressing for the end times doesn’t need to be a stress filled endeavor.

I suggest something fun and flirty like this “Republic of Jamaica” island T-shirt made with 100% polyester. NOTE: Do not stand too close to lava flows, flame throwers, or open air fires with this piece as it’s all about end time fashion not function and it will shrink wrap the wearer at high temps.

I also prefer a nice pair of shorts over traditional Battle Dress Uniforms (BDUs) like these Patagonia “Thrift Store” shorts, which can be rocked from the golf course to the survival colony that gets established in upstate Vermont after the big shake.

As a side note; I suggest you throw in something camouflaged to complete your ensemble should you want to be taken seriously by other like minded survivalist.

2) You will need a gun…In fact you will need several guns, the more the better, if possible get 2 guns to shoot simultaneously which also builds “survival credo” with the rest of your group. It doesn’t matter if you hit anything; just make a lot of noise to scare off looters, zombies, Para- military wankers, and government troops.

3) Facebook is another must have during the end times as you will invariably build on your ever growing friends list (The amount of request will be predicated on the proximity to fault lines) "200 people like this".

4) A grill, because opossum road kill is always better cooked medium well.

5) Get your hands on as many Starbucks gift cards as possible as they will become the new form of global currency after the quake.

6) Last but certainly not least; pick up the newly released Blue Ray anthology of Star wars. (Chewbacca never gets old)

If it’s not on this list, then you don’t need it.

Cheers to the end of the world! and I will see you on Sunday…